Nury Vittachi
Sometimes one comes across a scheme so evil, so wicked, so sneaky, that the only possible response is to think: Why didn’t I think of that?
Case in point: A guy having a dispute with nasty neighbours thought of a creative form of revenge. He used the wireless system known as Bluetooth to make six-second bursts of ghostly sound come out of his neighbour’s music speakers every night at 3 a.m., or so he claimed in a Facebook post. In less than two weeks, the creeped-out neighbours had moved out of the apartment block.
Even before I’d even finished reading that, I’d thought of uses for the technology: 1) Make circus clown music come from the building PA system every time my boss enters the room. 2) Make heavenly choir sounds emerge at a subliminal level every time I walk past the pretty receptionists. 3) Make the sound of thousands of people weeping when I eventually get sacked and the security guards escort me from the building.
Technology in general is a wonderful tool for sneaky people. A couple of years ago, a jokey friend reprogrammed his wife’s computer spellcheck so that every time she wrote “Dear” it became “Darling”. Four weeks later, so he claimed, she was employee of the month and her boss gave her a pay raise.
But wireless technology is in a different league. For example, a serious prankster can get a good quality Bluetooth music speaker and hide it somewhere, such as in a tree, and then just make comments as children pass by. “Help! A wizard turned me into a chestnut oak tree.”
A side bonus of wi-fi is that the demented people who talk to themselves in street used to look crazy, but now just look like they have wireless earpieces. And it’s much cheaper than actually buying such a thing.
Yet even if you are not very tech-y, you can still have some fun. Try this. Simply find someone who is having an intense wireless conversation in the street, and then go stand next to them and nod a lot while your friend films you. With luck, you end up with some amusing footage and a kazillion views on YouTube and Facebook. Sometimes, also, you get the bonus of not getting beaten up. But that’s not guaranteed.
Still, if you are cutting-edge sneaky person, here’s how you can use technology, as taught to me by a reader who did not want his name published. In recent years, most printers have become wireless. So you can actually type a message on your computer and then make it come out of a different printer elsewhere in your building or apartment block. It’s easy, since people don’t put passwords on their printers. Suggestion: “Hello. I am a rather hi-tech printer and I have become self-aware. Your apartment is nice. But if you don’t mind me saying, I don’t think you should wear that dress with those shoes.”
Oops, gotta stop here, I have call coming through. No, wait, that’s just one of the voices in my head. I think. Whatever.
