Remembering My Father

Dad, it’s been thirteen short years without you, short because it still feels like yesterday that you left us. We knew you were tired, we knew how much pain you were in, perhaps saying that we “knew” would be an understatement of all that you had to go through. The unbearable, excruciating agony that only you knew and bore, to still think, let alone imagine those periods of time that seemed like hell are traumatic enough to the point of sleepless, dreary, long nights. But how you stayed strong and resilient despite it all! Resilience- I’ve grown to love this word because of you, your spirit, your undying energy for life, your fight to keep everything as normal as it could be in spite of our world crumbling down around us, how you fought to keep our heads above water that was slowly drowning us…

I remember so many things from the last few months we had together as a family, as father and daughter. It still surprises me that Mom can recall everything that happened all those months you were sick while I can only remember what was going on with you. She often reminds me of incidents that happened, people who visited and offered a word of encouragement, a prayer, all those little but very important details. I, on the other hand, can hardly recall those trivial moments except you, I can only remember the short fleeting moments I had with you, moments when you were still sane enough to remember that I was your daughter and you were my father, moments when you lost all sense of reasoning and could no longer talk or converse with us, with me your daughter. I remember all those too clearly still, I remember how you hummed the hymn “My Savior’s Love” as you looked out the hospital balcony while people from the nearby church sang that song, you could no longer talk to us because medicines had numbed your senses but you still remembered the tune of that hymn. I remember nights when you could hardly get a few minutes rest, I remember nights when you knelt on the floor because the pain was too much, I remember all those too clearly still.

I have often thought about those times and wished there was a button I could push to erase all those dreadful memories once and for all and let only the good ones remain but then again, my memories of you would be incomplete. I have always known you Dad as someone who is literally and practically the life of the party, someone who brought our whole family together, Mom’s and yours included, family gatherings were such a big deal to you, everyone had to be there no matter what otherwise you’d not be pleased at all. To have known you like that and yet, know you again in another completely different setting was nothing short of mindblowing to me. To have known you as the man you were before cancer struck was to know and be in awe of the superhero you were to me, you could fix anything and everything, you had a solution for every problem, with you I was fearless Dad, you were my hero, my friend, my strength, my protector. To have known you again after being diagnosed with stage four cancer was to know you at your most vulnerable, I sometimes sensed that you hated yourself for being defenseless in the face of cancer, you were our rock after all. Those weak moments when you became childlike almost were the ones where my heart hurt the most. I knew you were tough but times were hard and days were getting shorter rather rapidly. The last few months were frantic nonetheless, we were fighting against all odds trying to grab and hold on to each other as a family with every breath, with every ounce of strength we could garner. We were trying to keep you with us just for a little bit longer. We knew you were in pain but we did not want to face life without you around, we were selfish that way. But in the end, you had to go, no matter how much we wanted to keep you here on earth with us, it was time to leave Dad.