Good Manners without Kindness: True Kindness Comes from Knowing God

The idea to write this article came to me after a good friend of mine shared something that really made me think. He talked about how some people can have very good manners but may not always be truly kind. His words stayed with me and led me to reflect more deeply on this idea.

No society is perfect. Every country or community, no matter how advanced or well-organised, has both strengths and weaknesses. Often, when we notice things like disorder, carelessness, or disrespect in our own setting, we begin to admire others. We say, “Look at those people! They are so polite and well-mannered.”

And it is true—some communities are well-known for their discipline and respectful behaviour. From a young age, children are taught to follow rules, take care of public spaces, wait their turn in lines, and greet others with a smile, a bow, or kind words. In some countries, you might hardly see anyone littering or behaving rudely in public. People appear calm, respectful, and courteous. These outward behaviours are admirable—but they may not always come from a place of genuine kindness.

Take, for example, a culture where people are taught to smile and bow when greeting one another. Visitors often describe such societies as being polite and well-behaved. However, there are times when tourists facing emergencies—like getting lost, feeling unwell, or needing urgent help—may find it difficult to receive personal assistance. The outward politeness is present, but the deeper warmth of kindness might not always be felt.

We can also observe this in customer service settings. People working in hotels, airplanes, or restaurants are often trained to maintain a friendly tone, smile warmly, and treat guests respectfully. And in many cases, they do a great job. But occasionally, some customers may feel that the politeness is more formal than heartfelt. For example, a flight attendant might say, “Have a nice flight,” with a smile, but may not always show concern when a passenger is visibly distressed. A hotel receptionist may offer a cheerful greeting but respond with little empathy when someone raises a genuine concern. These are not true of everyone, of course—many in the service industry do care deeply. But these examples remind us that politeness alone does not always equal kindness.

In highly disciplined societies, we may see things like perfect traffic order, clean roads, and people waiting patiently in queues. But even in such places, reports of isolation, emotional distance, and a lack of close community are not uncommon. Older adults might live alone for years with few visitors. Neighbours may live side by side without really knowing one another. Children may grow up saying “please” and “thank you” regularly, but not always experiencing warm affection in their homes.

Even in schools, we may see students who are respectful—standing when teachers enter, following rules, and speaking politely. Yet some of these same students may ignore or even bully their classmates who are struggling. Their behaviour is correct, but their hearts may still lack compassion.

These examples show us something important: having good manners does not always mean having a good heart. Manners can be learned—taught in school, reinforced by family, or expected by society. But kindness is different. Kindness cannot be forced or faked. It comes from within. It is shown through genuine care, compassion, and concern for others.

Where does this deeper kindness come from? It is not usually a focus in most schools or public systems, which often concentrate on behavior, appearance, and discipline. But kindness grows from a different place—a heart that has been shaped by love and truth.

True kindness comes from knowing God. When we come to know Him, we begin to see others the way He sees them. We start to care—not because it’s expected, but because we truly want to. We serve—not to impress others, but because we know it’s right. We forgive—not because we are weak, but because we have received forgiveness ourselves.

God’s kindness is not just a gentle feeling. It is a powerful force that changes people. And when His kindness fills our hearts, it overflows into how we treat others. That is why good manners, while helpful, are not enough. What we truly need is a change of heart.

In today’s world, people are often measured by how they behave in public. But the true beauty of a person is found in their kindness. A kind person may not always speak in perfect language or follow every social rule, but their heart speaks more powerfully than their words or actions.

So let us not be fooled by polite gestures without love, respectful behavior without care, or calm manners without compassion. Let us aim to be both well-mannered and genuinely kind. Let us show respect outwardly—but more importantly, love inwardly.

And if we want to grow in real kindness, we need to come close to the One who is perfectly kind—God Himself. Because in the end, manners may impress others, but only kindness touches the soul.

Liba Hopeson